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The 7 Types Of Guys I Met On Dating Apps
By Richa Rungta
Let’s face it: we’ve all done it. Whether it was after your last breakup (because your best friend signed you up), or just for kicks – we’ve all wanted to try the dating app of the day. In my amusing case, it was to find out what I may have been missing out on. (Conclusion: nothing)
But hey, maybe I was getting ahead of myself. After some comprehensive research (intensive swiping) and analysis (read: stalking), I discovered the seven wonders of the dating world.
Standing in front of (hopefully his) car, Mr Millenial wears knock-off Ray-Bans, fake-laughing into the distance with a trademark side profile. You may even hear twangs of an exotic accent, if you end up speaking on the phone. He dabbles in a variety of “entrepreneurial ventures” – most of which he won’t mention more than once, suspiciously enough. He’ll call himself a Grammar Nazi (but can’t differentiate between the future, present and past participle of ‘lay’). There is something to admire about Mr. Millenial though: He’s a go-getter. So if he’s hasn’t got your attention today, he’ll be gone tomorrow.
Conversation Potential: 10 minutes
Despite the eye-rolling, typical ‘I’m only attracted to sapiosexuals’ statement in his one-line bio, you can be sure this guy won’t message you first. Sure, he seems like the one ‘match’ who is semi-coherent in his speech and thought. The problem? He already knows that. Once you’ve both liked/ crushed/ charmed/ swiped right on each other’s profiles, you’re always going to have to text him first. Well, you know what they say… big ego, small –
Conversation Potential: One day
The (annoying) Funny Guy
He’s always charming the pants off you with his jokes. Or so he thinks. Potential catchphrases range anywhere between ‘Who’s your daddy!’ to ‘That’s what she said’. If you’re lucky you’ll even hear a line with original wit. Behold comical profile pictures and excessive wink/tongue out emojis (his safety net after you turn down his advances). Does it even matter? Not really, because you’ve already mentally friendzoned him.
Conversation Potential: 1.5 days
Oh holy mothership of emotion. He waits an average of 0.03 seconds before he replies to your last message. It’s probably good in a way – we all want someone who’s real and doesn’t play mind games. But do I really want to know his cat’s nap schedule or last sexual encounter within minutes of being matched? We’re all happy that it was meaningful for you buddy, but spare us the cringeworthy details.
Conversation Potential: 0 to 2 minutes
His favourite word starts with B (It’s ‘bro’ – incase you were wondering). Clichéd topless photo of chiseled abs. Multiple Bench Press videos. Instagrammed protein shakes. He probably also has a lifelong membership at Gold’s Gym. It’s all very impressive. But can he go three minutes without starting a conversation with “Brooo”. Does he casually drop hints of how his ex regrets leaving him? Only if he manages to steer the conversation away from his exercise routine. Swipe right for a boregasm.
Conversation Potential: 2 to 12 minutes (Considering you spend 10 minutes staring at photos of his abs).
In pictures, all you can see is the silhouette of his muscular back, against the backdrop of a gorgeous sunset. He looks deeply lost in thought, surrounded by the ocean and mountains, in the many ‘candid’ shots of him. Yep, this is the guy who makes Lonely Planet look bad. Favourite quotes include: ‘In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take’; ‘Quit your job, pack your bags, travel the world’ and more of Google’s top search hits. He may live in an alternate reality, but what will let you drift away are conversations less stimulating than a stapler.
Conversation Potential: 3 minutes
Dali moustache? Check. Skinny Jogger pants? Check. Lennon sunglasses? Double-check.
This Mumford & Sons-grooving hipster isn’t as rare a find as he thinks he is. This bowtie-lovin’, anti-mainstream (“Pray, what is Game of Thrones?”) new-age bohemian participates in Movember all year round. He can hold a conversation longer than most others, and no doubt, subjects range from organic farming to vintage records, but he will judge you for driving (“Aren’t you worried about your carbon footprint?”). Should you get into his tight pants? If only you could fit.
Conversation Potential: 2-3 days
Don’t know if you should make your presence felt on an app that rhymes with your Aunt Parminder? We recommend you try [insert plug] a genuine matchmaking service, with handpicked matches (and a real matchmaker).
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